I know I am not alone when I say I struggled with the “supposed to’s”. It was my birthday week, so it was supposed to be a great week. And for the most part, it was. But it really all felt like it came crashing down the day after when I felt really self-conscious about a lot of things. My anxiety began running at an all-time high and it was really hard to function throughout the day. I realized the overwhelming feeling of living in a country that doesn’t like me because of the color of my skin has become a heavy burden to bear, one that makes me feel like I am drowning. This feeling carried into the next day, where after some conversations with my support system, I was able to find strength to remind myself that I needed to take care of myself.
So I decided to go for a run, which is always so healing for me, and to do some yoga and meditation. While on the run, I started a Nike Run Club guided run for motivation, but forgot to start my music. Now obviously, I could have stopped my run and put the music on, but I didn’t. I just decided to keep going. On the pauses between the guidance on the app, it was just me, my breathing and whatever sounds of nature or the people walking by. And I thought to myself, this is recovery.
I think we beat ourselves up when we experience lows in our lives. We may have been doing great, and then the world feels like it is crashing down around us, so we start feeling bad that we couldn’t keep riding that wave of feeling good. But the reality is that life is full of ups and downs. Life isn’t meant to be happy or fun all of the time, but we need to remember to practice self-compassion with ourselves. We have to be kind to ourselves because external factors may cause us pain, and that’s okay, but we have to remember to take time to put ourselves first and to continue recovering. Even if your world feels like it is falling apart you can try over and over and over and start fresh. That is what I realized yet again on my run. That I was simply trying again. I was starting another journey of recovery, and that is more than okay.
We might have to start again, we might feel helpless and upset, but we have the power and strength to try over and over. I think that is really powerful, to be able to say, “this sucks that I am feeling terrible, but I know I can get through this and that I can try again.”
I am recovering from the pain of what’s happening in our country and our world and how it is affecting me, from the pain of feeling unsure about myself and my future and I am recovering from my past. I am recovering. And so are you. Each day you fight through the pain, you are recovering.
I felt so liberated to realize on my run that I was recovering yet again because it helped me to see that I am not stuck in my pain. My pain will still exist, it will change over time and will stem from different situations, but I am not stuck. And you are not stuck in your pain. You are recovering, you are growing. That is beautiful.
I am recovering. You are recovering. Cheers to that.