I never really thought about losing a parent until thinking about it was my only choice. I never really thought about the immense impact the loss would have on my life. Nothing is quite the same, yet everything has to move forward and that never quite makes sense to me.
I have a few friends who have lost parents, who continue to live their lives and find joy. I too have been able to continue to live my life, mostly because I know that’s what my mom would have wanted. Just this weekend, I was able to celebrate a friend’s bachelorette weekend and it was good to be around people and make new friends and really feel joy and experience laughter. But that hole in my heart exists, and the sting only amplifies every time someone talked about their very alive mothers. I start to feel a lot of feelings and at times even feel jealous that I can no longer have those experiences with my mom.
On my drive home, I realized I hadn’t written a blog and I still don’t know what to write about. I’ve been writing every Monday for the last 3 years, only missing a handful of Mondays and I know some of you read them, some of you find them helpful, often they are really helpful for me to write, but lately, it feels so difficult to do. I write about my reality, and my reality has been filled with sadness for some time now.
So my message for you this week is a message I share with you constantly – and that is to be kind to yourself, to recognize that you may feel sad now but you won’t feel sad forever and you won’t always feel sad. I want to remind you that within moments of sadness you can find the joy and those moments can carry you through. I want you to remember that you are not alone, no matter how often it may feel that way.
Life for me feels lacking direction and it oftentimes feels more sad than it does joyous. But I will hold onto those moments of joy. I will hold onto hope that better days are coming. I know I will spend the rest of my life missing my mom more than words can ever explain, but I hold onto hope that one day the pain will feel a bit less painful, and the joy will feel a bit more joyful.
And I wish the same for you. If you’re sad, feeling alone, desperate for a change – keep going. I’m here with you.