Since my mom’s diagnosis of cancer, I always felt like I had lost pieces of myself. Since she passed away, I know for sure I have lost pieces of myself.
I feel less motivated, I feel less joy, less excitement, and less gratitude for life itself. This journey has been a confusing one for me. Simple tasks become really, really exhausting for me and I would like to be doing anything else.
I’ve spent a lot of time being really, really angry at the universe for making my mom so sick and taking her away from me. I go between emotions of anger, sadness and then calm and happiness that she is no longer in pain and then I’ll feel joy for our happy memories. But overall, I know I am different. I have told my therapist that I just want to feel like Ivy again, I want to know what it’s like to feel emotions other than sadness and anger.
It’s easy to get angry with ourselves in these emotional states. You may start asking yourself, “Why can’t I do the things I used to do?” Or you may be saying things like, “stop being lazy”. In those moments, we stop giving ourselves compassion and then the cycle of anger and sadness only grows deeper.
It’s okay if you are struggling right now, with loss of someone else or loss of yourself. I understand. The going gets tough sometimes. Some days will be easier than others. Some days you will take 2 steps forward and the next you might take a step back. That is all okay. I know my mom wanted me to keep living my life, but that will take time. The first step will be redefining who Ivy is without my mom physically here. Our relationship was an incredibly huge part of my life.
Although I know who I am and know what I like, it’s hard to live my life with purpose when my biggest supporter and best friend isn’t physically with me.
So today, I ask that you give yourself some compassion. Sleep a bit extra today, take that nap, eat ice cream, take a walk, talk to a friend, or do absolutely nothing at all. During these times of grief and pain, it’s important more than ever to give yourself and your body what you need.
It’s okay if you feel like you’ve lost yourself. You’re still in there, growing every day, I promise. I promise that you will find yourself again. I have been lost before in my life, and I always found my way back. The journey isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it. And you may find a new version of yourself that may take a while to get to know, but the core of you and your motivation, desires, joy for life and happiness, it’s still in there. And it’s still in me too. It will take time to really feel those feelings again, but when we do, I hope we give ourselves the same love and compassion and know that we may lose ourselves again, but we can always, always be found.
Keep moving forward. I’m trying my best to keep moving forward with you as well.