This week has been a tough week for me and my family. My mom’s cancer has progressed to stage 4 and the news has been heartbreaking.
The doctors are giving her 9 to 12 months to live. Writing that and reading that statement is unbearable. My mom has been struggling lately with this news, I mean who wouldn’t? To know that you have fought for so long and to just hear such terrible, terrible news is devastating.
But my mom has always been a warrior. My mom has endured it all and she still somehow finds a way to pick up and keep moving forward. I like to call that finding the light in the darkness. It’s been really hard to hold onto hope and keep moving forward. It’s been hard to find the light in the darkness.
The hardest part for me with hearing this news is that I value my mom more than words can explain. My mom has been there for every single milestone, my mom cheered me on for mostly every race throughout my track career, my mom was there for every award ceremony, my mom was there to hold my hand when times got rough, my mom was there to walk me down the aisle to marry my life partner. The idea of her not being able to see future milestones crushes me to my core. I don’t think I can fully imagine a life without my mom. But God and the universe have a beautiful way of working wonders and giving you exactly what you need when you need it.
David and I have been house hunting. On Good Friday, we saw a house that we fell in love with. The door to the house was purple. My mom’s favorite color is purple and the color for pancreatic cancer is purple. When I saw the door, all I thought about was my mom and how this house reminded me of home, because it reminded me of her.
We put an offer in on the house and the next day, the sellers accepted our offer! Better yet, I had randomly decided to surprise my mom that morning because she was feeling down, and we got the news about the offer while I was at my parent’s house. Yet another milestone my mom got to see.
This is what I like to call the light within the darkness. I wish we had more time to love and laugh and cuddle and we very well may have more time than we think. But I am going to find the light in the darkness as much as I can and hold onto hope. I am going to hold onto hearing her laugh and seeing her smile as much as I can. I am going to hold onto those long cuddles and hugs and I am going to hold onto all of the sweet memories we will create.
Tomorrow is never promised for any of us. Today may feel really, really heavy. But there is always, always light. Sometimes we just need to look a little bit harder for it. The universe is looking out for you, even when it feels like the world is against you.
No matter how much time I have with my mom, and no matter how many more milestones she sees or not, I know she will always be with me, in the things I do, my smile and my strength.
That’s just another light in my darkness. Find the light, even when it is hard to see, it’s there.
Keep my mom in your thoughts and prayers. She’s my light every day.