Last year at 1N5’s Family Education Day, I had the opportunity to share my mental health story. I was able to give my side of the story, and then my mom gave hers. This experience was so meaningful because I know hearing both sides of the experience made it so much more impactful and helpful for so many kids and parents. So this is my story.
When I was 12 years old, I was diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder. I was in sixth grade, and I was struggling to function. I was scared to go outside, to school, and to sleep. I started therapy through the psychology department at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital, but had to stop after a few months due to the coronavirus. At first, COVID seemed to solve all of my problems. I didn’t have to leave the house, and I didn’t have to go to school and be worried about getting made fun of. Things seemed okay. I was allowed a little bit of time every day to ride bikes with my friends, and school was super easy; it seemed we were living every kid’s dream. But, as Covid drew on, I had too much time alone with my own thoughts, and my anxiety crept back in and brought OCD with it. I was in survival mode through the rest of the year until I went back to school and started online therapy. Struggling with two mental health disorders, I was miserable. Having Anxiety and OCD together was the most distressing and time-consuming thing I have ever had to live with; it was like pushing a boulder up a hill, and it felt like it would go on forever.
Fast forward through eighth grade, and I was making baby steps forward until depression blew in like a storm. That, I now know, was a direct result of having only three friends and being bullied every day at school. Getting through eighth grade like this was maybe the hardest thing I have ever done. During this time, I leaned on my family and my psychologist and looked for every glimmer of light I could find in these dark times.
Fast forward, I graduated, and then ten days later, my grandfather, who was one of my best friends and who helped raise me, passed away. I felt like my entire life was falling to pieces, and I became absorbed in a bubble of self-pity and depression. I busied myself with preparing to go to high school, where I knew no one and no one knew me. I tried to move forward, but I felt like I was taking one step forward and three steps back. I was merely surviving through the summer and trying to support myself, while a lot of the adults in my family leaned on me for support and help, as we were all grieving. I felt like I was carrying the burdens of everyone on my shoulders, and I wasn’t doing well.
I got to school and the time and business helped me to stay out of my head and move forward. Then it was spring break, and all that was taken away, and I was home alone for two weeks during spring break. I spiraled. I had way too much time to sit in my brain and dwell on my past. The depression was so bad that I was skipping meals and having suicidal thoughts, and I didn’t know what to do. Thankfully, I have an amazing support system in my life, and my mom noticed something was very wrong. She had brutally honest conversations with me about what she was noticing in my behaviors and pulled me out of the pit I had fallen into. We prioritized my therapy sessions, and once I got back to school with my friends and my activities, things were a lot better. Summer was a little bit of a struggle because of the same reasons, but I found things to focus on, and I found ways to keep myself busy, like family time, babysitting, and spending a lot of time at my pool.
Sophomore year was a lot of the same things, but I was having some issues socially, so I went back to leaning a lot on my family. I got through it by staying busy. I started club swimming, I was doing theatre, and then in the winter, I accidentally stumbled on my favorite part of every week. I was invited to join a rock band at my music school called Rock Academy Westwood, which is a part of Madcap and Cincinnati Landmark Productions. It was a huge deal to me because I actually saw my dreams as a musician coming to life. It is my favorite place to be with some of my favorite people, and since then, we have grown so much, and even my little brother joined, and my parents, especially my dad, are our biggest fans. My teachers and band members are all close friends, and I really don’t know what I would have done without this opportunity. I get to sing and play at amazing venues around the city, and I can see a career in music as a possibility now because of them. In the summer, I continued swimming, rock band, and I got my first job at my swim club. I connected with the friends who had stood by me through everything, and I was becoming a lot happier.
At the start of this year, my junior year, my anxiety was back, but it went away as soon as I was invited into a new friend group, and since then, my life has changed. I found a huge group of people whom I can count on no matter what and who I love like family (that is saying a lot for me). Together, we have so much childish fun and laughter, which healed my soul because of the social struggles I faced in my childhood. In this amazing group of women, I have found support, love, laughter, and happiness. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I can say I am genuinely and truly happy. This is not to say my mental health is always perfect now, but I have people to lean on when it isn’t.
Most people would see this journey as a curse or just terrible luck, but I don’t see it that way. I have grown so much from my experiences with mental health, and I am so happy that it helps me help others. I have become so involved in mental health that people I haven’t seen since grade school have reached out and asked for help and thanked me for speaking up. I still struggle with my mental health, but overall, I am happy. I go to therapy, I talk out my problems, and I stay busy with my activities, friends, and family. I have been through so much since such a young age, but looking back, writing this, I feel gratitude. If I weren’t bullied, if I didn’t struggle, if I wasn’t diagnosed, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I am making a difference, I am proud of myself, and I am happy.
Right now, if you are going through something, you are probably thinking that what I’m saying is wishful thinking and that my luck turned. I am lucky, but I also worked ridiculously hard to get to where I am, and that is all because I asked for help.
So I have three things I want to end with.
- I encourage anyone who is struggling, and even if you see someone struggling, ask for help. It makes all the difference in the world, I promise, and I will never stop saying it.
- Find outlets for your emotions; sports and arts are great hobbies to have to let emotions out.
- Build a support system to be positive and help you find the silver lining when you can’t. The only reason I am here and thriving is because of my family, friends, and music.
And I can honestly say that if you think you are not wanted here and you don’t have a place, you do, and I want you here.