When I was around 4 years old, living in Colombia, Central America, I stepped on a nail on a board just exiting the back door to go to the back yard. It went through my foot and it was painfilled. Stepping into widowhood was about as painful, except this time, there was no way to get the “nail” of widowhood out of my foot. The problem with this “nail” is that instead of needing a tetanus shot because of germs, dirt, and rust, the result dipped into the space of evil triplets of I coulda, shoulda, and woulda.
Looking back can be both a blessing and a curse. The curse is the age-old habit of looking in the rearview mirror and wishing you knew then what you know now.
But you didn’t.
I know I didn’t. Shocked doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt when my husband said he was suicidal. I am not alone as a person left behind by suicide to wonder how I missed really important signs when we were dating. I have come to realize that I didn’t. My husband was good at hiding his journey.
Death, and in my case, death by suicide, can tumble you into a gloomy mental maze if you allow it. The whys and hows may forever remain a mystery. Why things happened and how they happened is not always for us to know on this side of Heaven. For me, trying to understand the WHY and HOW my husband died is a normal human processing thought, but I don’t have many answers, and signing my soul on the deed of the “if only” space to live is just like locking up my spirit in a dark abyss, not a cozy home for my soul. We all stand at the shore with thoughts of what coulda, woulda and shoulda been, but don’t unpack your bags and settle down.
Yet, sometimes we don’t even know we are doing it. Maybe it has been a habit you have had for quite some time. You don’t even know you are doing it. Paying attention to the thoughts and words that you think internally as well as those that you speak aloud is helpful. In fact, what if you had a few accountability partners whom you have asked to catch you when you start to woulda, coulda, shoulda yourself? We as humans are not perfect, but when you do catch yourself being in this mind space, take a deep breath, pause, and reflect on what is true.
Are you being unfair to yourself? Write down three truths and put them where you can see them daily.
Often, we cannot control what we don’t know unless we put our heads in the sand and ignore what is happening around us. Give yourself grace. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer to a friend and do activities that engage in mindful activities that help you stay present and focused on the present, rather than getting caught up in negative self-talk that drags your soul down an abyss. It takes time and patience to break old habits and create new ones.Frequently, we have no power over what we were unaware of unless we choose to bury our heads in the sand and disregard our surroundings. Be gentle with yourself. Extend the same compassion and empathy to yourself that you would to a friend. Engaging in mindful activities can assist in keeping you grounded and focused on the present, rather than getting caught up in negative self-talk that can pull you into a downward spiral. Breaking old habits and forming new ones requires time and patience, so be patient with yourself.
Finally, talk it out with a trusted person and get a therapist who can help you weed out the intrusive questions like: Why did I not know or how did I miss that? Through thoughtful questions and introspection, we can gain a deeper understanding of why things unfold the way they do and instead of unpacking the bag of regrets, unlock the grace that your soul deserves to keep moving forward..
About the author:
Kimberly is a mother of adult children, an educator and a suicide widow. She spends her time as creatively as possible through writing, speaking and pointing people to hope. From Costa Rica, she lives in the Twin Cities, Minnesota and you can often find her with a good book in her hand, learning to garden and being courageously creative. You can find her on Instagram @hopefully_kimberly
