Working through grief during the holidays.
This is the fourth Christmas without my mom, the fourth Christmas with an empty chair at the table, the fourth Christmas when the air has just felt more empty without her loving presence.
Grief around this time can be challenging, especially because my mom made Christmas feel so special growing up. It’s easy to feel the void more than ever during times like this.
But it’s also easy for me to feel so deeply connected to her during this time as well. I have so many special and wonderful memories from the holidays and thinking of those memories helps me to feel close to her again. I am so lucky that I have Charlotte to create similar memories for. In so many ways, I am able to be for Charlotte what my mom was for me during the holiday season. And that gives me a lot of comfort that I am continuing on my mom’s legacy.
I think it’s so important during this time to recreate old traditions that remind you of your loved one that keep their spirit alive. We have all stepped up in our own way to honor the traditions my mom created.
I make sure that Charlotte wakes up to lots of gifts from Santa on Christmas morning to create the same wonder and joy my mom worked so hard to create. I make a brunch that is way too big for just Charlotte and I to eat and say just like she did that next year I’m not cooking as much. Right after all the gifts are opened, I start prepping dinner for when my family comes over and again make more food than I intended to.
We all wear our ugly Christmas sweaters and compete for best sweater, a tradition my mom started to make the holidays more fun as we got older. I go out and buy a $50 sweater and complain, just like she did, that it’s just way too expensive for one day. My dad buys us all scratch tickets, just like she did, and one of us usually celebrates about winning a measly 20 bucks.
Each and every single one of those moments is tied to my mom. I can vividly see her with a huge smile across her face during each of those moments. I miss her so deeply. But I feel her so close.
I feel her close as I sit and sip tea and watch the fireplace. I felt her close as Charlotte and I watched the first snow fall from the sky last week and I told Charlotte how much her Grammy loved watching the snow fall. I feel her all around me. I wish she were here, but I know in many ways she is, and I know she is shining her love down on us and so proud of me for all the ways I am creating my own Christmas magic for Charlotte, and for myself.
So if the holidays are hard for you, if you’re missing a loved one, if staring at that empty chair breaks your heart, you are not alone. Take the time to cry and feel it all this holiday season. But also take time to reflect on memories you had with your loved one during the holidays and try to recreate any of the positive ones. Take time to find the magic in these days simply by choosing to live.
Because that’s what my mom taught me. To continue to live and choose happiness, despite. So despite her being gone, I am honoring my feelings and allowing myself to cry and feel sad when I need to, and I am also choosing to live and find the joy this season. Because that’s what she did for me.