There’s an adage that says, “time heals all wounds.” I find that saying to be incomplete, not inaccurate. Time will most definitely heal the fleshy part of the wound, but the wound itself will still be felt through every ripple of time. How we feel that wound is totally up to us.
I wrote a book called Yes, But I Still Have Joy! and in this book, I tell the readers that grief is just love with nowhere to go… we loved something so much that it pains us when they leave us, whether that be in death or relational separation. Both hurt and both cause us to stop and ponder the love, time, and affection that once was there.
This is where I want to permit you… Permission to feel. Permission to scream. Permission to have BIG emotions. Permission to have unclear, uncharted emotions. Permission to sit still. Permission to hide in your proverbial hole. Permission to release anything that makes you feel weighty and unable. You have my full permission… and once you do what you need to do, I have a challenge for you. I want to challenge you to be R.E.A.L.
R: Reflect– not to beat yourself up over what happened and maybe what should have happened. But how did you show up as a person? Did you truly do your very best? When we lost my aunt in 2023, I gave my all to ensure her last days were filled with presence, because I knew she was scared to be alone. When the nurse called me and said that she was only living on a machine, I called my family, and we played her favorite songs until she took her last breath. I hated having to permit the nurses to take her off the machine, but I knew that she was ready to meet her husband again in heaven. And yet, for 8 months, I didn’t grieve because I felt like I should have done more. I nitpicked if the funeral was nice enough, and if she was comfortable in the dress we buried her in. My brain made me feel insane and emotionally unregulated until I went back to therapy and broke down. Recalling (and writing) all the things I did to help transition my aunt made me stop and breathe. Reflection gave me oxygen again.
E: Engage– People will show up how they want to if you don’t tell them how you need them to show up. When you engage, you have to tell people what you need. If it’s a compliment, ask for it. If it’s a hug, ask for it. If it’s alone time, take it. If it’s a nighttime stroll with a hot fudge sundae without whip cream, extra cherries, and candied pecans on top… go for it! Engaging is to ask people to be there for you and with you during hard times. I kept so many things inside of me because I felt like no one would believe that I needed help. People call me a superwoman and assume I have it all together, but I don’t. I’m just a girl who hasn’t had a choice but to keep it altogether. I want to break down, too, but no one’s coming to put the pieces back together, so I keep moving forward… or I did. One day, I got a call from the nurses about my aunt needing a shunt put in her brain for the second time, and I was overwhelmed. I had my first panic attack at 31 years old while I was driving. I called my brother, who is always calm and unmoved, and the moment he heard me panicking, he said, “Pull over and get out of the car.” I pulled over, crying, not breathing, and he said, “I’m on my way.” After that, he was there with me to help make decisions for my aunt, so I wasn’t alone. I may not have asked directly, but I engaged, and he showed up for me. Engage with your people; they want to help you be safe, be strong, and be secure.
A: Align– Alignment is when your focus meets your feet and you can walk without weight. When you know where you’re going, you have accountability partners to help you stay the course even when it gets tough. How I stay aligned is by refining what I want and need (two very different things) every time I accomplish something. When my aunt passed and I still had to work on her estate, closing out all the final pieces, I no longer needed the “How are you holding up?” text messages. I needed my friends to call me or allow me to call them and vent-not fix it-just vent. And not because I was upset, but because this was the first time I felt ill-equipped for what I was handling. And, my friends showed up for me every step of the way. I don’t have a lot of friends, and I didn’t expect every conversation to be about me, but when I needed to scream… they let me scream!
L: Learn or Lead– This is where your permission allows you to flow. Some days you are the student and some days you are the teacher, but every day you are going to be all of you. (Say Yes!) Don’t be afraid of not knowing and asking for help. Equally, don’t be afraid of the greatness you carry and the aspects of you that make you exceptional. My funeral director helped me learn a new skill, which I never knew I needed to learn. Once I learned the lesson, I turned around and taught my family. I had both my parents pre-plan their funerals as well as talk to them about getting into therapy so they could heal their hurt, one conversation at a time. My dad lost his baby sister, and my mother lost her best friend of almost 40 years. That’s deep pain and trauma, and I knew that I had to lead them back to health (emotionally and physically).
This journey called life is tough, but we aren’t supposed to be doing it alone. If you need someone to vent to, call your friends or your therapist. And if you just need a good cry where there’s no judgement and total understanding… go walk through the cemetery. That’s my secret. I go visit my aunt and my Granny, and when the tears roll, I let them because everyone in the cemetery is sad and no one judges the crying lady.
Be encouraged, be R.E.A.L., and be free to feel every one of your emotions. They are here to be felt, so feel them. And then breathe. A new day is near, and I can’t wait to see what joy looks like on you! Big hugs and lots of love!
Ashleigh