My therapist helped me to see that I’ve been using relationships and other people to distract me from trauma that I thought I’ve dealt with, but I actually haven’t.So, I’m on a really scary, yet empowering journey for the first time to really and truly heal from decades of trauma, monumental loss and heartbreak. I’m really afraid, yet excited to take you on this journey with me.I’m such a goal-oriented and visual person, so to hold myself accountable to healing and make healing a little fun, I created two Healing Bingo Boards full of activities to challenge myself to grow and truly find out who Ivy is after all of the loss and trauma I have experienced. Activities ranging from taking my first solo trip, taking myself out on dates, doing reiki, journaling every day, all the way to doing a polar plunge.The first box I checked off on my Healing Bingo Board was going to a smash room, where smashing a ton of glass and a stereo was not only healing and cathartic, but it also brought up so many pain points that I thought I was over. There were two crates full of empty bottles and lots of bats to hit them with. My first couple of throws were pretty pathetic, the glass bottle bounced off the wall and didn’t even break. Then I tried hitting the glass with the bat and wow, was that an empowering feeling. Before I knew it, I was shattering glasses and with every hit and every throw, I could feel myself releasing some of the pain I have been holding onto for so many years. With each shatter, new memories came up from me. Before I smashed a bottle, I would say things like, “and this one is for all the times I’ve experienced abuse and stayed anyway” or “this one is for allowing myself to let others make me feel small” or “this is for the time you told me I was too much” or “why me? Why did I have to go through all this? Why do I have to be the one to break generational trauma cycles? Why couldn’t it have ended with my mom and not with me?” and “why did you have to die mom? I’m so mad at you for dying”.I shed a few tears in that smash room, but by the end, my narrative changed to “why not me?” and “this is how I heal” and “this is how I break and redeem myself” and “this is how I rewrite my story” and “I am going to be okay”. I felt so alive and free after that smash room session. I’m feeling really proud of myself for doing something completely out of my comfort zone, going on my own, and allowing myself to really see that it is okay that I am far from healed.My goal is to do as many activities on my bingo boards as I can in the next 6 months and truly rebuild myself. In many ways, I’m excited to do this messy and complicated work because I’m already claiming this as my redemption story.As my coach used to say, “To get somewhere you’ve never been, you’ve got to do something you’ve never done”. So, here we go.What is the one thing you are going to do today that scares you, challenges you and helps you to grow?Ivy Watts, MPH, Mental Health Empowerment Speaker
Author of You Are Worth Fighting For
Ivy Watts Speaks
