Being a single mom was not part of the plan. I actually never believed in divorce, until leaving my marriage was the safer option than staying. I think I was in such fight or flight mode and in such a state of survival, that I just adjusted easily and quickly to single motherhood, because I had no other choice.
But most days I feel stretched thinner than I thought I could be stretched, but yet somehow, I still find a way to get it all done. It doesn’t come without stress, sadness and a lot of frustration, though.
But it’s also filled with a lot of love. I get to show Charlotte the most pure type of love – to choose yourself even when society tells you that it’s shameful to leave a marriage. I get to show her unconditional love and support in a 1 on 1 capacity every day. I get to be in a safe space in our new home and have countless dance parties with her, without fear over my head. I get to be free with her.
But I’m also realizing that part of accepting that I am a single mom is grieving that I never wanted this or envisioned this for my life. I still don’t want this, many days I hate it, but every day I keep going.
Last week Wednesday was a bittersweet day. We had divorce court and as the judge announced that our divorce was approved, I happened to glance over at the clock. It was 10:11 AM. The number 11 has signified so much for me. We got married on July 11th. Before Charlotte was born, I kept seeing the time 9:11 on the clock. I just had this feeling she would be born either on the 9th or the 11th. She was born on January 11th at 5:06 AM. My hospital bracelet had the number 911506 on it. I knew then that my mom was sending me signs using the number 11. The day me and my ex husband split was November 11th. I started to say to people that the numbers 911, but particularly the number 11, felt like the beginning and the end for me. The offer on my new house, our safe haven, was accepted on April 11th (4/11). I kept saying that day it felt like I was wrapped in a warm hug from my mom. The angel number 411 means being wrapped in a hug from your angel. So then I looked up the angel number 911 and it literally means the beginning and the end, like I had been saying. So when I glanced up and saw 10:11 on the clock as the judge approved our divorce, I just knew my mom was there, sending me love. The angel number 1011 means you’re on the right path in life. So it was powerful to feel my mom in that moment with me and to know I was making the right decision for myself.
I didn’t expect to get emotional, but once the judge wished us luck, tears welled up in my eyes. This solidified it all by law. I am a divorced single mother. I went to my car and wept. I felt like I did when we first split up and thought to myself, “how can this be my reality?”
Soon I started the car, drove off and sad tears turned to happy tears and happy tears turned to empowered tears. And I felt good again. This was the last step I needed to take to be released from all ties to men in my life and really push forward on my healing journey.
My friends and I all virtually celebrated with texts and phone calls. The two years of hell I experienced to get to this point, were finally over. I was finally free.
Free from the chains of my past, but still left with the aftermath it brought me.
So remember, it’s okay to grieve the loss of the life you imagined for yourself. It’s okay if you expected to have a family by now, to be married by now, or to be in that dream career by now. It’s okay if you are upset that your life looks wildly different than you wanted to. I think that’s how we know that we are alive, like truly alive. Part of grief is allowing yourself to feel it all – the anger, the sadness and the regret. If we don’t allow ourselves to feel grief, we won’t allow ourselves to experience healing.
As you grieve what your life might not look like currently, I also hope you can challenge yourself to discover the good in what you do have right now. Things won’t be like this forever. I can promise you that. Because the one thing that is promised is change.
Allow yourself to feel it all. It’s okay to cry and cry about it. But it’s also important to ask yourself, what DO you have in your life that maybe you didn’t think was possible for you? I never thought I’d own a house on my own or own my own business, and I’m here doing it. Look around, your life might not look how you envisioned it, but it sure is beautiful, you just have to open your eyes.
Xo,
Be Beautifully Simply You