“You are not what you look like. You’re the music you listen to, the shows you watch, the art you make, the flowers in your hair, and your favorite blanket. […] You are what you love.” This quote has been my rock along my eating disorder recovery journey.
I always tell people that my eating disorder felt a lot like being an ice sculpture, every deviation from perfection a “flaw” meant to be chiseled out. The more I sculpted, the more I cracked until all I had left was an unrecognizable puddle. It was in my most vulnerable moments that I looked into this puddle and saw my reflection for the very first time.
I am what I love. I am not my body, the amount of boxes I can check on my to-do list, or the things other people say about me. I am my favorite song to play on the piano, my grandma’s rice and rasam, and the way the sun makes little rainbows that dance on my bedroom walls. I am what I love.
If you are healing your relationship with your body, my biggest piece of advice is to define yourself by what you love. The beauty of this is that no matter what other people say, no matter what you may or may not achieve, no one can ever take that away from you.
Healing is a journey that is far from linear, but with every up and down, I find something new in my life worthy of that love. You are enough, exactly as you are, and if you’re reading this, I love you.
by Maya Goertemoeller (she/her), 1N5 Intern