This week, I had both a psychiatry and therapy appointment. In both of my appointments, I had to admit that I’ve been shutting down my feelings for a while and not facing the emotional truths I need to face. As an act of contrition, I’m writing an open letter to my heart to apologize for how I’ve wronged it.
You’re in pain right now. I know. You’ve had a long week, and our body made us take a break so you could actually feel what you’ve been putting off feeling.
We’ve gone through a lot together, and it hasn’t always been easy. Sometimes, I wish you didn’t exist so I wouldn’t have to experience complex feelings and emotions. You do exist, though, and I’m sorry for every time I’ve neglected you or told you you don’t matter.
You deserve the world, and I know I haven’t always treated you as if that were true. I’m working on it, though. I promise.
Throughout the past few months, I’ve been ignoring you. You’ve tried to tell me so much, and I just kept shutting you out, telling you you don’t matter, believing that our brain knows what’s best. Sometimes, our brain tricks us, though. You’ve always had our best interest within yourself, and I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to trust you, to believe you.
I hope you can forgive me. Sometimes, it’s really hard to listen to you because you tell me things I don’t want to hear. You tell me what we’re really feeling, and sometimes it’s easier to listen to our brain when it tells us the things I want to hear instead. You know how the brain gets. Sometimes it likes to trick us. It likes to distract us from what we’re really feeling because it knows how much pain we’ll be in if we actually feel those feelings.
You’re honest, though, sometimes brutally so. You have to understand where I’m coming from. I don’t like to feel pain, and I don’t want to feel those emotions. I know how important it is to feel, though, and I want to thank you for how hard you’ve fought to get me to accept that.
I hope, as we enter this new chapter of our life together, that I can continue to trust you and believe you when you try to tell me what we’re feeling. I know it hasn’t been easy, and I’ve tried in so many ways to shut you down and ignore you. Even after all of that, believe me when I tell you I really am trying to open myself up to you again. It’s going to take some time. I might hurt you again, we might get hurt again, but please be patient with me. You’re the only heart I have, and the only one that will always be mine. I love you, and I need you. Always remember that.
Writing this letter has been such a healing experience. I didn’t realize how much I was shutting down my own emotions until this past week when they came to a boiling point, which forced me to recognize what I’ve been putting off feeling. If you’ve been ignoring your emotions lately, I encourage you to take some time to recognize that and start healing your connection with your heart, too.
As always, stay safe + stay healthy.
Xo,
Kayla W.