In 1992 I was diagnosed with bipolar 1. I struggled mostly untreated for almost two decades. Countless hospital stays. Electroshock therapy. Never being able to hold a job. I lived in New York City for the first 10 years of this time and moved back to Iowa during a manic episode in 2003.
In September 2008 I became very “sick” again with an episode and was not sure I had another one in me. I suffered crying every day for many many months. Just wildly manic and psychotic. Finally, I knew it would be the end of the pain and planned my suicide. At this point, I’m 39. I ordered prescription meds from China. I also had a prescription med in my house as I had attempted to get help. My meds arrived and the plan was on.
On March 11th, 2009 I went out with a friend to dinner and drinks. She came back to my house with me and left about 2 am. I sat for a while thinking. Finally, at about 3-4 am I decided to take the pills. I sent a text to my little brother simply saying “come get Molly (my dog) in the morning, I don’t want to rot”. He would never get the message but this night he was on the phone with his girlfriend on spring break. I began swallowing the pills. My little brother called me and crying hysterically I explained that I couldn’t take the pain anymore. He begged me to stop taking the pills. He said I don’t care if you hate me I’m hanging up and saving your life.
I ended up taking 150 pills that night. The ambulance came. I flatlined in the ambulance. They performed CPR and used the paddles on me. This happened a couple more times and finally, in the hospital, I stopped breathing. I was put on life support. A few days later by some miracle, I woke up. My entire family had been there the whole time.
I spent a month in psychiatric hospitals and finally found help for bipolar. I went on medications. I got a therapist. I got the best psychiatrist I could find. I finally had hope. That was March 11, 2009. It’s now November 2021 and I’m living my best life. I’m so grateful I survived. I’ve been stable for the most part since. For anyone out there thinking about suicide. Get help. Reach out. There’s always hope!