As many of you have seen through social media, my mother passed away on Wednesday, May 19th after a long, courageous fight with pancreatic cancer.
We all knew my mom was going to pass soon, we were preparing to put her on hospice, so I knew it would happen soon and that she likely wouldn’t make it through the summer. I was praying to delay the inevitable. I was praying that she could hold on and make it through. I didn’t realize my mom would pass just so soon.
I am realizing that even if she had held on for a few more days, weeks or months, it would have just caused her more pain and suffering, and the reality of the pain of her not physically being here would have just been delayed, but not removed. My mom unfortunately was not going to get better, but get worse.
I took last week off from blogging. Even this week it is hard for me to write, but I know my mom wants me to keep living, to keep moving forward, to keep making her proud. I realized over the last week or so since her passing, that I’ve been grieving my mom for some time now. My mom was an energetic, get things done person. Once the cancer got worse, my mom was tired, exhausted, bound to a couch or a bed and needed assistance for almost everything. Even talking became difficult for her. This wasn’t the mom that I knew. I was grieving my expectations of her. I was grieving the reality of losing my best friend. And that in itself was really, really hard. So in a way, I have been in pain for a while, even though she was still physically here. I never wanted my mom to die, but I wanted that pain to end for her, and thankfully she is no longer suffering, she is at peace and finally able to be herself again.
This blog has no rhyme or reason. I am just writing to say that these last 2 years with my mom’s health has been hard. I have lost pieces of myself. I have struggled with depression. I have struggled with crippling fear and trauma. The last week and a half has been filled with tears and pain and sadness, yet gratitude for all the time my mom and I got together.
I don’t think the pain will ever truly go away, but if I am anything like my mom (and I am), I will get through. My mom keeps sending me beautiful reminders and love from above, and I know I will always have her here with me. I miss her dearly, there’s so many things I want to tell her and there’s so many times when I crave to be hugged by her and see her smile, and feel her hand in mine. All of those desires have become memories that I hold close.
One day, I will see my mom again. Until then, I will do everything I can to keep making her proud. Until then, I will be gentle with myself and cry when I need to, scream when I need to, and do nothing when I need to. My mom was one of the most amazing people I know. It was hard watching her get sicker, but it’s been even harder not having her here.
However, these are the waves of life. The waves that keep us going, the waves that take us back, but also push us forward. This wave is difficult, it’s heart breaking, but it is also peaceful. I no longer have to worry if my mom is in pain, she is free, she is happy, she is all around me all of the time.
Writing this blog was hard, I felt like I said a lot of nothing. But that’s okay. I did something today that my mom would be proud of. She loved reading my blogs, I think it was her way of seeing how I was doing, and now she just gets to read them from heaven.
My mom would want me to feel my feelings but also to keep smiling. So today, I choose to smile and I choose to rejoice in all of the good times we had. And I hope you can too, despite the darkness and the sadness and the struggle, I hope you find a reason to smile today. Because you’re worth it. Your story is worth it. Even when it feels like your world is falling apart, know you can get through this. One day, one moment, one second at a time. Some days will really suck – but you are stronger than you think.
Keep going, my mom would want you to.
Xo,