In the face of loss I am rebuilding myself. Y’all, it’s been a while. Over a month since I last blogged. Over a month since I’ve really been engaged on social media for my speaking page. I needed this break. I still feel like I could take a longer break, but I think I am going to come back a bit differently and I am learning to be okay with that.
This past month or so, has given me the space to really give myself the love I needed. This month, the hurt hasn’t felt so heavy. I really can’t tell you why, or what the switch was, but the days became easier to get through. The hurt still hurts, I think it always will, but the hurt feels more manageable. As we embark on month 5 without my mom, I can’t help but feel that she would be proud of me. I know that I am so proud of me. I’ve been taking slow mornings – sleeping in, avoiding early morning meetings when possible, working out in the mornings, taking more time for myself and walking more to get more sunshine. I’ve been seeing purple more – my mom’s favorite color – when before I would beg God and my mom for the purple to show up, and now the purple comes more naturally. I am feeling more in the moment. I am actually excited for the future. I remain grounded in the reality that upcoming holidays and upcoming milestones with my daughter will be so hard without my mom, but I hold strength and faith that I can get through, as I’ve done this past month.
I am definitely far, far away from where I want to be, and I am not quite sure in the face of such a huge loss that I’ll ever get to that point. But every day, I am trying. Every day, I give myself a little bit more love and compassion. Every day, I am figuring out who I am without my mom’s physical presence.
Taking a break from your to-do list can seem overwhelming and daunting, but it can be just the thing you need. Maybe you won’t fully feel like yourself after that break or won’t fully feel ready to take on the world, but you’ll be able to welcome the peace and the calm a bit easier.
As I am out on a walk, I find joy in holding my mom close in wearing her purple sweatshirt, that still smells just like her. I find comfort in knowing that each moment moving forward will be unpredictable, but at its’ core, each moment will be full of the strength that I already had, and the strength this break has given me.
Wherever you are, I hope you can find the joy in quiet moments, that you can choose to embrace a slower day, or a slower week, and to give yourself compassion along the way.
Over a month ago, I never thought I could feel this calm and this sure. I am so thankful I did what was best for me.
Blogs still might not come every week, I’m thinking every other week. Either way, I feel less pressured to just do and do and do. Instead, I am focusing on how I can just be, whatever that might be in that moment.
I’m choosing joy, and peace, and acceptance of the hard and the hurt. I’m choosing to live as my mother intended me to, not just because she wants me to, but because I finally made the choices for myself to give myself the strength to.
I see you. I hear you. We are on this journey together.