Shan Shares Her #iAM1N5 Journey

This week for #WarriorWednesday, Shan from Durham, UK shared her #iAM1N5 journey of living with depression. Check out her story below!

I’ve battled with depression for four years and believe me, it’s not been easy. There have been some really dark times—to the point where my school nurse had to call my mom and tell her I was having dark thoughts and I didn’t want to live anymore and for the nurse to tell my mom to remove any sharp objects because I was self-harming. Then a few months later I decided it was all too much, I felt trapped and I felt so low that I didn’t want to be on this planet anymore so I tried to take my own life. Thankfully, I didn’t succeed and I’m still here today.

I felt so guilty that my mom had to go through that and the people who loved me. I felt guilty for not going to them about how I was feeling. There have been times where I simply couldn’t explain how I felt or express my emotions at all and felt so angry with myself for feeling like I couldn’t talk to anyone. I know what it feels like to feel so alone but yet have so many people around you who love and support you. There were times I just couldn’t be bothered for anything and lost all motivation – even to do the things I loved to do the most, I lost interest in them and felt so so low in myself. I was so distant. I sometimes had bad panic attacks as my anxiety got the better of me. I was referred to CAMHS (Child & Adolescence Mental Health Service) which didn’t really help. I also had a school counselor in years 10 & 11 but she actually helped to an extent, unlike CAMHS.

It’s been the hardest thing to combat, feeling like there was no hope and no means to go on, feeling like the light at the end of the tunnel wasn’t going to appear but things take time. Things do get better.

I wouldn’t be here where I am today if it wasn’t for the people around me who loved me and supported me and pushed me to keep going even when I felt like I couldn’t. They’d tell me it was going to get better and I would get through it.

The smile in this photo is to show the place I am right now mentally. I’m so content and happy with life and I couldn’t love my life more🥰

Time really is a healer and if you’re struggling right now then I’m telling you, you will get through it. You will see that light at the end of the tunnel. You will heal, you will feel happy again. You aren’t alone and if you ever need anyone, I am here. 💛