Christa Shares Her #iAM1N5 Journey…

This week for #WarriorWednesday, Christa Estes Smith shared her #iAM1N5 journey of losing her husband to suicide. Check out her story below, and if you would like to share your story, send us a message on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter!

I’ve never thought of myself as a warrior but after forgiving my husband Scott for taking his life, I did realize how strong I was.

11 years ago I had to forgive him. I know in my heart it was not the way he wanted things.  He lost hope.

I wrote something similar last year and still, I have so much that I would love to share with others.  In time I will because I believe my purpose after a loss to suicide is to help others who may be struggling in the same ways that I have.

I think 11/11 is the day to do so.

9/2 – Date Scott was born. 9+2 = 11
12/8 – Date Scott passed away. 1+2+8 = 11

Is it a coincidence that by adding each set of numbers that they equal 11 which is the number of years since Scott passed?! I think this is the reason I have been seeing 11:11 so much this year. Ironic, coincidence, or whatever it is I am going to take it as a sign. Why?! Because I want the feeling of sadness to go away. I believe this is his way of saying he is truly sorry. I will always be sad. More on some days than others as that is what happens when a loved one dies. I just hope he knows I forgave him many years ago. I hope others who loved him can forgive him too. When you lose someone to suicide, I learned early on that you have to forgive otherwise you hold yourself back from moving on and being happy. You have to understand that that person was struggling and it had nothing to do with you.

I truly believe with all of the times in the last year that I have seen the numbers 11:11 it was Scott’s way of saying I am sorry for hurting you. He used to see these numbers all of the time too. What was the universe trying to tell him and now me? It has to be a sign, right?!

In case you didn’t know, one of the meanings of 11:11 is a deceased love one is sending you a message. I did not know this until this year because of course, I looked up the meaning after seeing it many times. I am constantly looking for answers and trying to find ways to help me understand.

I ask myself why has year 11 been so significant? I suppose there is no time limit on grieving and we all do so in different ways.  Maybe because I have a hard time letting go.  I believe I have grown a lot and allowed myself to open up to others more. I also think a part of me felt guilty. I felt if I was not sad then I really did not miss him. I have finally realized I can be happy and still miss him. Missing Scott is something I will do every single day for the rest of my life!

Much love to anyone else out there who lost a loved one to suicide, struggles themselves, or just needs someone to listen!  You are not alone!